anti-emoticon manifesto.....

since the first days of the emoticon there have been transgressions of the highest order in their prolific and abundant use.
from the very outset people world wide have overused and abused the stupid smiley face to express every conceivable emotion from happiness to dispair, not to mention the expansion to other areas of target such as assicons, breasticons and so forth.
the evolution of the emoticon can be traced back to the late 1960's begining as the smiley face "have a nice day" logo first coined by perpetuator forrest gump after having used a yellow t-shirt to wipe mud from his face while running from coast to coast for what seemed to be years in the movie about his life (I admitt to not actually having read his autobiography).
since then it's been a whirlwind downhill ride, with the everpresent smiley face creeping into everyday life over and over again in the guise of actually trying to promote untiy and happiness among the populace en-mass. as if the smiley face wasn't enough, enter the emoticon :-) bad enough that they're stupid and at best annoying you have to turn your head sideways to properly read them. this causes you to wrench your neck into an odd position while reading email or while in a chat room, and the way some people pepper their correspondence with them can, in extreme cases cause severe whiplash, much like the ("taco bell effect") taco eating whiplash effect suffered by taco bell spokesperson shaqueil o'neil a few years ago. it is not unknown for people to have to seek medical intervention to relieve pain after reading several emails from office co-workers bent on causing their absence from work to seek relief, other targets of emoticon revenge have been ex-spouses, ex-lovers, troublesome neighbors and generally anyone else on someone's shit list. in the case of chat rooms the emoticon has been used to rid rooms of offensive or boorish lumpenproletariat, usually serving to incite further offensive or boorish behavior from the unwelcome guest.
in another light there's the friendly unassuming use of the emoticon to whichever the average john or jane doe fall prey to everyday, the little smiley face or emoticon email friends and chat friends alike seem to think make you actually smile or believe make you believe they are in fact smiling at that time. in fast paced conversation in real time chat this can be a dangerous manuver and also a time consuming factor in your pesponce, by having to turn your head sideways to read the emoticon effectivley you lose the spontaneity expected in chatting, not to mention the possibiltiy of injuring youself in the process. in email even to a friend it can have disastrous consequences, causing the friend or in some cases loved one to turn their head sideways to read it much like the revengeful use has, especially if they are reading fast. so in retrospect the use of said emoticons should if not abolished completely most certainly be restricted to some degree.
i hereforth dedicate myself and all my free waking hours to the eradication of the emoticon problem. i refuse to use them under any circumstances and will no longer correspond with those that do. further more i will do whatever it takes to educate people that the use of emoticons must stop for the very sanctity of our being and our way of life is at stake. mankind must realize that the emoticn is not a tool to be placed in the hands of children, without guidence and education it can be a dangerous and life threatening horror unleashed upon an unsuspecting society. think of this as a safety helmet or life preserver if you will and follow the example put forth on this page. in my courageous effort to confront and deracinate this villainous dreadful pox upon mankind.
death...death i say to the emoticon and all the evil it begets.
oh yeah "have a nice fucking day"

To Read or Not to Read.....

Washroom etiquette for the next millenium.....

We all know about washing our hands after using the facilities, and not using the cute little soaps in the shape of frogs or flowers on display or the pretty embroidered hand towels hanging right next to the sink, don't we? Wash up without soap if no other soap is in sight and dry your hands on your shirt or pants if no other towels are present, right?
But under no circumstance emerge from the washroom without washing your hands first, especially if you're the host/hostess and going to prepare a repast of some sort for your guests. You also never go looking in someone else's medecine cabinet, besides being a snoop you may discover things you don't need or want to know about, like the tubes of Preperation-H and K-Y jelly, first going ewwww and then hoping they never confuse the two ointments. Unless of course you're in the home of a gay couple then I would suppose the hemorrhoid cream could be used with duality.
One of the topics never discussed out loud is washroom etiquette involving reading material. It should come as no great surprise that people do display reading material in their washrooms. Some just leave stuff on the commode tank cover, some display reading material in cute little magazine racks, some just leave stuff on the floor next to the commode. Whatever the method of display may be is of no importance or relevance, the point is what is considered proper reading matter for the john, and how long a time spent in there is within the boundaries of acceptable behaviour and good taste.
Both of these aspects reflect directly upon each other one would think. After all if the reading material is interesting then the time one would spend could be considerable, however to offer uninteresting, unreadable, boring material would be considered being a bad host or hostess in some circles. Even worse to offer nothing to your guests would seem to say you didn't care enough to think about every aspect of their time in your home. The idea of offering something for everyone in your washroom library could prove to be a perplexing problem as well, this would depend on the company one keeps, but there's also the matter of the unexpected guest. If the reading matter offered is interesting enough for certain it would be in bad taste to return to the gathering with it tucked under your arm and continue to read it in the presence of other guests and host/hostess.
To ask your host/hostess to to take it with you would also come under the area of poor judgement and bad taste. Even still to spend half an hour or so in the washroom to finish reading an article is a no no, as it deprives other guests of the use of the washroom and/or implies you may be ill, and can be embarassing when they knock on the door to inquire about your situation.
One would imagine 5 - 10 minutes would be acceptable for males and a few extra minutes for females as they might also choose to check their makeup? Any longer would be pushing the envelope of socially acceptable behaviour.
Now that we have chronometry down let's move to the material in question: what to display for reading matter?
I have seen reading material expressly for the washroom for sale, most often these tomes consist of "jokes for the john" full of bathroom humor about farts and so on, as interesting as this may be for some people speaking for myself I must say I would rather read something else as I've probably heard most of these tired jokes already and they weren't funny to begin with in most cases.
Magazines for the most part seem to me to fit the bill here as books tend to be too long and newspapers messy at best, although informative.
So magazines it shall be, most zines offer short articles easily readable in the calculated socially acceptable time allotment.
Depending on the circle of friends you have this is no small task, for instance if you run with a intellectual crowd you might consider anything from the info mag set ie: Time, Newsweek, Forbes even Money could fit the bill here, however I caution against collectables like National Geographic and Arcitectual Digest for obvious reasons as they could become ruined through careless handling.
Now for a younger or hipper crowd one might consider a magazine such as Rolling Stone or Metal. For the hotrod set there's Car & Driver and various other car realted mags. There's even magazines dedicated to any sport you could possibly imagine for the athletic set. The only magazines I would stay complteely away from would be the skin mags like Playboy, Hustler, Penthouse and so on although on first thought they may seem to be perfect for washroom use, they may incourrage behaviour that could prove to be an embarressment to to your guests as well for yourself for obvious reasons.

Why it's not safe for me to drive alone
Driving Me Crazy.......

Notice the obvious connection to the popular octogenarian hit movie Driving Miss Daisey in the title to this article...well it has absolutely nothing to do with the content, well maybe it does at that it does take place in a car?
It seems to me most of my wierd or wild thought process's take place while I'm driving around alone especially when stuck in traffic and I look over at the cars around me WHOA! check the blonde in the "vette" oh geez she's picking her nose. So you turn to your radio and nothing of note is playing to occupy my fragmented thought process, and those random thoughts start to flow through my head. Like I wonder if they call French Toast French Toast in France or do they just call it toast and if they just call it toast what do they call toast, if they make toast out of French Bread of course all the bread in France is French bread but that's a whole nother thing entirely. Anyway if they make it out of French Bread is it then called French Toast? Ok did they actually invent French Toast in France or was it invented someplace else and called French toast just for the value of adding that European extension to it and giving it some kind of continental flair. Who the hell thought of dipping pieces of bread in egg and then frying it to a gloden brown and serving it with butter and maple syrup? Do they even have maple syrup in France I suppose they do. Actually French Toast isn't even toast at all is it? Toast is basically almost burnt bread and in some cases it's exactly that, who invented toast anyway, I mean whose idea was it to slightly burn bread and serve it up as a side dish with breakfast, "hey here's your eggs and bacon" -- "what's this?, burnt bread?" -- "no that's something new I came up with I call it toast" -- "what do i do with it?" -- "oh you can put some butter or jam on it or use it to push your eggs on the fork and sop up the runny yokes" -- " WOW this is a great day in the annals of breakfast eating, this toast stuff is great". I imagine a conversation something like that taking place somewhere in the past in someones kitchen and of course the rest is history.
Now what about French Fries do they just call them fries there or seeing as how I believe they were actually invented in America do they call them American Fries there?
Then there's Belgian Waffles, "Sports" cars and so on and so on......
Ok are you begining to see why it's dangerous for me to drive alone? I'm a firm believer in the independant creative random thought process department, but sometimes I think I may step over the line eh....